24th July 2012
July the 24th wasn’t meant to be different; after all it had begun like any other day; yet by nightfall, something had changed. Something had changed drastically, or so it seemed to Deepti. It seemed incredible to her that she had woken up that morning with the same sickening empty feeling, a feeling of hopelessness and anxiety she woke up with everyday; for that night she wasn’t plagued by random thoughts or fear of the future. She wasn’t tormented by those ghastly images showing failed experiments, bad error messages or unresolved test results that usually flitted through her vulnerable mind in rapid succession. Neither did the day’s events seem like a portentous foreshadowing of imminent failure. She had begun the morning with the same inconsequential exercise of dragging herself out of the bed and looking out of the window, as if to confirm her deep confinement in the jumble of intimidating, high-rise buildings. The daily ritual of observing the diminished busy street below faithfully reinforced her feelings of entrapment in a world rushing to no end, chased and whipped by lofty ambitions and insatiable greed. How can one create, enforce and yet be unable to cope with change? How can one appreciate and be a part of advancements and yet be enveloped by feelings predominantly of stagnation and purposelessness? While her scientific contributions did show a numerical increase, she derided herself for an ostensible lack of progress she so desired.
Nine years back when she left India, she had a clarity of thought, an avid desire to reach what she considered the pinnacle of academic achievement commensurate with her skill and ability and a zest for life she would swap anything in her life now for. Now after a phd, and several years of a career in science that reflected her assiduity, all she felt was an overwhelming sense of dissatisfaction. What had caused this emptiness that crept through every bit of her mind space rupturing every energizing thread of thought that weakly connected and enabled her momentary transitions between her increasingly chaotic world and the ideal sphere of peace and perfect balance? Perhaps she was aware that her quest to find complete satisfaction resulted only in shallow excitement. A beach walker feverishly anticipating an immense feeling of joy looking at a distant, seemingly huge wave experiences an odd sense of disappointment to see it recede feet before his location. Would Deepti take a risk and go deeper into the sea or simply move sideways to a new location? Oh, behold the trauma of the one who has it all ….!
12th September 2011
She waited with feverish anticipation; she knew the phone would ring any moment and her imagination entered unknown frontiers and explored deep recesses that she had always strayed away from. The phone call held the promise of future, a future that offered limitless possibilities of companionship and the concomitant pleasures. She had an inkling it was coming, she had been hoping in fact, constructing sentences she wanted to hear and framing coy responses, but to hear those words actually being spoken was pure ecstasy! And yet, when Keshav actually called, she could not help but feel a twinge of curiosity. He cleared his throat and her mind raced. “I would like to spend the rest of my life with you”, he said. “Of course if you want to”, he added hesitantly. She wanted to say there’s nothing more she wanted in life, but all she managed to say was “ummm Ok”. His voice faltered on hearing what he thought was an unenthusiastic response; he paused. The ensuing silence irked them both; Keshav regretted that he had said it too soon and Deepti chided herself for ruining the moment. Then she confessed, “I really like you, in fact I’ve always liked you, more so since the game night …”. She tightened the grip on her phone, surprised at her own temerity. That night, when they walked back home after dinner, she laughed so easily, all her troubles lay forgotten, agonies assuaged. She lost herself staring into the depths of his eyes as he gave her what would be her most treasured possession – a stunningly realistic portrait of her. She drifted dreamily into a fantasy land, where she saw each object as an outwardly manifestation of Keshav’s love for her, examining every aspect of it with fondness and fascination. After a few hours, she grinned into her pillow, hoping to relive the day’s moments and possibly more, in her dreams…
25th Feb 2012
A chilly gust of wind hit her face fiercely. Shivering, she entered a coffee shop. The warm coffee-scented air made her slightly sleepy, but she resolutely read her paper, lifting her head only when she satisfactorily reviewed it. The fresh sheet of snow outside was now punctured with shoe marks. Imprints of imperfection. Aberrations on a virgin landscape. Disquiet in her orderly life. How can science be tiresome? What had she accomplished by dedicating her life to applying the Navier-Stokes equation, apart from developing a futile fascination for its unconquered complexity ? Of course, a better aerodynamic design model was some progress, but is that progress? Her acknowledgement of the relative insignificance of her contributions in the universe of yet-to-be discovered truths and her deep appreciation of every step forward defined her passion. But is passion happiness? Perhaps she might have felt differently if she had chosen to model ocean currents instead. May be not. What is the point in dissecting past choices when the future holds all the answers? One has to marvel at the irony of her predicament, she knew neither the right question, nor the right answer. As a high achieving child born in a family that had received very less education, she was admired and encouraged to do all that she liked; but now independence morphed into loneliness, ambition paved way for frustration and scientific curiosity became a tedious routine. Well, what was the alternative? Her career was the biggest source of strength and pride and the ineluctable fact that she would have no self at all without the pursuit of science never slipped her mind. When Keshav came into her life, he did fill the vacuum in her world giving her temporary relief and purpose, but she sought more. How would she make him understand? Keshav the passionate biologist, the free-spirited artist, the creative writer, might shoot down her doubts and feelings of frustration with his optimism. How will she explain that she has been hiding behind a veneer of happiness while inside her is a boiling mass of dissatisfaction and inferiority? She walked back slowly to her building, once again deciding to quell the rebellion than address the root cause of it and within minutes she immersed herself in work.
17th April 2012
Golden rays of spring sunshine seeped in through the curtained windows. As Keshav pushed the curtains apart and stood bare-chested by the window, the cool breeze titillated him, the sensuous joy of the morning scenery was pure bliss, permeating his inner being like music from a grand old piano in a Victorian mansion. He thought of Deepti, her smile, her sweet-smelling hair, her soft little palms, tiny waist and her shapely hips…. His ringing mobile phone brought him out of his reverie and hastened to answer Deepti’s call. He stood paralyzed as he heard her cry; she had never cried before. He was as much baffled as he was distressed as she sobbed uncontrollably, furious with himself for being unable to do anything more than just listen. What had caused this sudden outburst of emotion? He couldn’t make out much from her unintelligible muttering and didn’t say a word afraid that he might say something insensitive. He thought of words of comfort and just as he said, “Listen to me”, she ended the call. He imagined tiny teardrops run down her beautiful face. Water on freshly completed canvas. Yet, it made her real, he thought. He felt the presence of a real person in her, capable of more than just conversation and commitment to work. Expression of grief somehow made her complete. Without much ado, he packed some clothes, called in at work to say he is sick and drove to her house right away, reaching just when she came home for lunch. He embraced her while she broke into fresh sobs.
He pulled her close, one hand on her hair, tears running down his own cheeks and at last he broke through her facade of calm emboldened by her paroxysms of grief. “I miss my family, I feel lonely, I feel nothing I do is of any real significance to anyone and I want to be free”, she concluded simply after talking for more than an hour. She refused to discuss more about it, instead preferring to let him stroke her back. They lay there lost in their own thoughts, yet connected strongly than ever. “Come away with me”, he said after a while. “When I am leaving to India this july, come with me. Please. I have something to show you. I can help you experience true satisfaction. Beauty. Happiness. Call it whatever you want”. A trip to India! Was the solution so simple? What was it that he said is going to be a life changing experience?He refused to elaborate more, so she spent the next two months thinking of her family, all the exciting things a trip to India guaranteed. She went to meet Keshav every weekend, and they had fun reading, cooking and shopping together. The battle in her mind seemed to halt on a temporary ceasefire.
24th July 2012
As she sat next to Keshav in the aircraft, she felt thrilled, she wasn’t sure how different this trip was going to be, but Keshav had promised to make it better than what she was leaving behind. When they landed in Mumbai and she saw her parents’ faces lit with happiness, she thought, perhaps trust and dependence make one more humane than sympathy.
29th July 2012
“My name is Komal and I am very happy to see you Deepti bhabhi”, the little girl spoke in fluent English, clutching Keshav’s hand and moving her fingers all over Deepti’s face. Girls all around her giggled and blushed. “Can we come for your wedding?”, a boy enquired. She could have cried, they would never know, but pandering to instinctive emotions of sympathy felt like injustice to their determination. Keshav looked at all of them with distinct pride. All his attempts in the last six years trying to provide a better life for everyone at the school were lessons in self-realization and collective accomplishment of humanity. The answer was quite clear. Perhaps the life Deepti had was progress for the sake of progress. A citadel surrounding an empty palace. While the fortification continues, the emptiness inside grows stronger. On her quest for perfection, she might have ignored the finer aspects of her journey, refused to go along meandering paths fearing occlusions, trudged along towards a destination that seemed further and further away. Here was her chance for redemption, a path where she could delve deep into fundamental human nature, not a lonely adventure, but a definitive journey along with everyone, at the same pace, towards a better future. As she grasped Keshav’s hands, she thought she understood the quintessence of life, she no longer suffered the ignominy of insignificance, she no longer felt that events in her life obfuscated her true purpose, but she and Keshav were going to be instruments of positive change for the upliftment of society.